The other day I was at a retreat for parents whose children were getting ready to receive First Communion. As part of a parent engagement session, a conversation was sparked about one of the pre-prepared discussion points, which involved a question about why someone might believe in the power of the Eucharist but not come to Mass regularly. Immediately, the psychologist in me offered an example that I had heard on multiple occasions in our Diocese, in that after parishes merged, certain members of these congregations stopped coming to church, at times citing disdain and discomfort with the transition. One of the parents participating commented that often difficulties with this transition are a result of not feeling a degree of safety or trust in certain churches, thus leading to decisions that might belie a person’s expressed religious beliefs. As the discussion continued, we talked about how while it is common for our feelings to not necessarily be in concordance with what we believe at times, the more often and intensively this occurs, the more difficult that life can become.
The reality is that at different points in our lives, we all find ourselves in situations where what we believe is directly contradicted by how we feel. The examples are endless, and can involve what seems like minor issues all the way up to circumstances that are life-changing. As just a few of infinite number of examples, consider the following:
- I believe it’s important to have honest conversations about important matters, but I don’t feel like talking to my family member about these kinds of things.
- I believe that eating healthy is important for my well-being but I don’t feel like changing my diet (or regular activity is important but I don’t feel like exercising)
- I know that it’s critical for my children to grow up and follow their call in life (wherever it takes them), but I really desire for them to stay close to me
- I believe that prayer and having a faith life is really important, but I just don’t feel like praying or being part of a faith community
- I know that it’s important I do my homework (or my job) well but I don’t like my teacher (or boss) and so I feel like just doing as little as possible
Each of us could insert examples from our own lives that are most resonant, and likely relate to the greatest degree of internal conflict. To a certain extent, this relates to what is termed cognitive dissonance, which is when our attitudes/beliefs don’t line up with our behaviors. A simple example of this would be when a person with alcoholism repeatedly engages in drinking despite knowing this is having negative physical, social, and even legal implications.
But often the missing link of the discussion around cognitive dissonance, and likely the mediating factor, is the issue of how we feel. Consider taking the first bulleted point above a little further.
Belief: It’s important to have honest conversations about important matters
Actions (repeatedly): Conversations are either altogether avoided, or approached indirectly in a passive-aggressive manner
Thus, belief ≠ action(s)
But why? Well, often it’s because the equation should look more like this:
belief > feeling > action OR belief ≠ feelings = actions
In the example above, the reason(s) that belief doesn’t lead to the action is because the feeling of actually having the conversation, and dealing with what may come afterwards, is actually a stronger influencer than the belief/attitude that it’s the best thing to do. Maybe the individual grew up in a household where family members rarely talked, or experienced harsh, even abusive reactions to honest sharing of ideas and thoughts. Or maybe they struggle with social anxiety, or have a personality that is high on agreeableness and a desire to please.
There are countless reasons (often interacting) which ultimately leads to a discordance between attitudes, feelings, and actions. Also, there are times in our lives in which we supersede circumstances in which our feelings disagree with our beliefs, but we still go forward with actions that we believe to be the best, such as when parents take a child to practice, or get up in the middle of night to care for them, even when we don’t feel like doing so.
But the reality is that one of the timeless sources of conflict come back to this quite human equation:
belief ≠ feelings = actions
And truth be told, it doesn’t just create internal conflict but also conflict with others, especially those closest to us. When we profess one thing, but act repeatedly in an opposite way, it can be both frustrating and confusing. In continuing with our prior example, if I profess believing in the importance of open, honest, respectful communication, but my feelings engage me otherwise, then my significant other, spouse, and/or other family members/friends might find themselves wondering why I seem so angry or annoyed, or even disengaged and altogether estranged.
It turns out that we as human beings are often universally embarrassed or even ashamed to admit why we feel a certain way (which is why we all have little “built in” excuses that we use all the time, like “I forgot to tell you” or “I ran out of time”). Whether it’s because it might make us appear weak, self-centered, bitter, emotional, irrational, or overly vulnerable (or insert any other socially undesirable characteristic), sometimes the only thing harder than “overriding” our emotions is explaining them in the first place. And truth be told, it’s not just because of the undesirable descriptions noted above but also because sometimes I-just-feel a certain way, and no words will (or should) adequately explain.
We humans are complex beings, and no doubt this is one these realities that can just make us go “hmmm” (all respects paid to the late C & C Music Factory). But before we despair that this is just the way we are, and there isn’t much we can do to change it, there is good news on the forefront. First, when it comes to helping our kids (and ourselves) in this domain, there are actually a number of scientifically, theologically, experientially-supported opportunities to better help align our beliefs, feelings, and actions together. Creating greater concordance between these three areas not only reduces internal and external conflict, but it also serves to actually better understand and appreciate the role that each of these areas play in our lives. But first we have to believe this pursuit is worth our time and energy, or otherwise we are just going to back to the same old patterns as always.
Before ending this thread, let’s consider one of what seems like the simplest pieces of advice, but in reality might be one of the hardest to execute, at least when we first start doing it (don’t worry, it does get easier with practice). First, here’s that challenging equation again:
belief ≠ feelings = actions
Now, for the first step. At least to some degree, all of us have the ability to recognize when this occurs, even if clarity is compromised; if you struggle to recognize this at all, then it’s best to talk to a trusted friend or mentor to help you come up with clear examples. Beyond awareness, it’s easy to simply justify that this is the way it’s always been, and so I’m just going to keep going with the way I have been doing things (based on how I feel). But how about instead, we all took one situation a week, or even a month, where we sense that [belief ≠ feelings = actions] is getting ready to play out (or just did), but this time, we stop, pause for 5 seconds, and then talk ourselves through a different course.
Instead of avoiding that conversation, we might say “You know, I started to tell you that it wasn’t a big deal, but actually it’s been something that has bothered me for a while. I was afraid to tell you, and I am still feeling that fear right now. But I know that if I don’t find a way to let you know, it’s only going to get worse for me and us (and probably you, too). So please have patience with me as I try to describe how I feel, even if you think it sounds way off base.”
The world will always celebrate champions on the public stage. But it’s in the private stages of our life that real champions are born.
