It was a Friday morning in mid-July, and we were traversing the backroads of Southern Illinois en route to our final destination that afternoon: Madison, Wisconsin. It had been an uncharacteristically busy, challenging week in the midst of an already frenetic month, and Amy and I were traversing a topic that had intersected much of our life for two decades, further spurred on by a surprising resignation at work related to a serious child concern.
As a mother of eight children from the ages of 20 through 7, Amy had encountered a wide variety of experiences as it pertained to the stages and demands of children as well as those with our families and peers. Through my 25 years of work with kids and families, I had also spent thousands of hours with mothers as they navigated child rearing in addition to other experiences and studies in this domain.
In talking about this, with the acknowledgement that each mother has their own unique perspective/experiences as it pertains to their kids, no doubt there exists a few core universal principles that so many feel in becoming a parent, especially for the first time.
As we rolled through fields of corn and soybean, we began to explore and coalesce further the themes that a quarter of a century of experience and study repeatedly reinforce when it comes to the ways in which mothers approach the care of their children. Three core elements repeatedly emerge:
- Nothing is more important than the safety, health, and well-being of my child. Nothing.
- No one knows my child better than I do. No one.
- No one can ever care or look out for my child better than I can
While various subthemes emerge related to these elements, it seems that these three components best capture the extraordinary “mom brain” as we know it. Having seen it in action firsthand on many occasions, I’m astounded on many levels, especially as it pertains to the following areas: dedication, flexibility, responsiveness, perseverance, and care.
It’s worth diving deeper into each of these strengths:
Dedication: Mothers the world over are renowned for the depth and degree of dedication that they provide for their kids. Whether it is bringing a child from nursing to independent food preparation or providing long hours of academic assistance to a struggling student, the deep sense of devotion to their kids’ growth and well-being is often unrivaled.
Flexibility: Mothers often exhibit an uncanny ability to shift focus at a moment’s notice, even in situations that are especially inconvenient or uncomfortable, in order to provide for their children. Whether this is a late-night diaper change or a long, tiring drive, and a changed work schedule to pick them up when they are sick, mothers repeatedly embody an impressive sense of flexibility.
Responsiveness: Related to flexibility is the asset of responsiveness. While it’s one thing to change a schedule suddenly to accommodate a child’s needs, it’s an altogether impressive skill to do so in a way that is responsive to the state that a child is in. Even in the midst of their frustration, mothers never seem to forget that behind every youthful conundrum…is a vulnerable child in need of care
Perseverance: With dedication comes a distinct air of determination. Some of the biggest pieces of legislation and some of the smallest, yet important gains for children have occurred because mothers could not, and would not be stopped. If you want to witness perseverance, forget the athletic field and track the grit of a mother. They can grind with the best of them and find sources of energy that defy physiological explanation.
Care: Finally, all roads lead to a depth of care that might be as deep as the magma in our earth. With a degree of nurturing that truly knows no limits, mothers may be unrivalled when it comes to providing for a sense of love, safety, guidance, and nurturance to their offspring. There’s a reason that almost every great athlete, at his or her moment of triumph, gives credit to their mom. It’s because no one ever went so deep, for so long, in providing so much so they can aspire to the heights of where they are called.
Like all unrivaled strengths, though, everyone has their kryptonite and it’s important that we recognize how assets can become detriments, even if unintended. As we were passing Effingham and headed towards Mattoon, in the land of Lincoln, Amy and I began to dive deeper into the challenges a mom brain can incur.
For starters, because no one knows her child better than she can, mothers can be inherently suspicious of others who might have ideas that differ, even if these are given out of good intent. This suspiciousness can magnify into distrust, and in the worst scenario, lead mothers to not seek (or accept) assistance when it is much needed, such as delaying services or getting support.
While mothers are renowned for giving of themselves fully, at times even adopting a martyrdom state, this can lead mothers to suffer (and even die, to self) in various ways that are ultimately not only detrimental to their health and well-being, but also to their offspring. I have personally witnessed many mothers whose psychological, spiritual, social, and even spiritual health suffered dramatically as they tirelessly set about to take care of their children’s needs and desires. For most children, the gift of a healthy mother is more impactful than any services a mother can render. Similarly, when mothers become unilaterally focused on their child’s needs, it can be difficult for moms to focus on other important issues that might be brewing, including in their own relationship with a significant other.
Just as mothers can be incredibly responsive at a moment’s notice, and provide care and nurturing when it’s most needed, so this intense focus on what is needed now can lead to a somewhat short-sighted response. As most mothers (and parents) will acknowledge, it’s hard to see your child fall (literally or figuratively) or go without, even if in the long-term, it’s what is most needed for their growth and maturation. For mothers of not just young kids but even (not so young) adults, it can be really hard to not “helicopter” in and rescue their children, or be the Zamboni in “smoothing things over”, preventing them from learning key lessons through natural consequences.
Part 2: The Mom Brain and the Modern World
Prior to the introduction of television and instantaneous communication, and the proliferation of devices, internet, and social media, parents of previous generations were pressed with demands that might look similar to those today, but also differing responsibilities and limited feedback/comparison beyond those people that surrounded them. Take a typical mother of the 19th century and you might find that given the limited conveniences and potential hardships that preceded much of our modern advances, the focus of parenting would have largely been centered around providing for the basic physical and social-emotional needs of their children without much time or opportunity to extend beyond this.
But as modern advances provided for much desired conveniences, and also an ability to get feedback from an infinite number of sources (especially online), parents of the modern era have increasingly been pressed to consider what it means to provide for all that their children need and want. While the basic areas such as food, nurturing, comfort and such still remain a core basis of parenting, the degree at which parents of today are “expected” to provide this alongside countless opportunities for entertainment, appeasement, and accommodation has led many parents to feel as their role has evolved from that of a primary caregiver into a 24/7 personal assistant. The pressures of what it means to be a good parent for many in the modern era can feel as if the measuring stick is less about what a child truly needs and more about what a child wants—and “what the world says” a child should have. It seems that while the physical demands of parenting have undoubtedly lessened from that of our ancestors, the existential, psychological weight of modern parenting has reached an all-time high.
It is in these areas and others that I worry the mom brain (and male brain – subject for a future column) are being exploited today, whether by comedians or commentators, but especially companies/corporations whose financial models are heavily geared toward these pressures that parents feel. As one mother recently noted,
“We (moms) are pressured into “trying to give it all” and in the pursuit of this we can lose ourselves, then add on top of everything we hold important for our children and then add in work, errands, school activities, events and sports – and let’s not forget taking care of household chores and dinner. – THEN you hit the “real mom brain”. If you asked me I would say my “mom brain” is the result of all the important stuff that is needed and then ALLLLLLLL the other stuff that is just expected to be just as important to be a ‘good mom.’ Then we have a mom brain that is over-processing so much stuff at 200% overload that at even the start of the day we can be – drained, distracted, short, happy one minute but then frustrated the very next. Even to the point of being “closed off” because we are just trying to fully concentrate for 5 [minutes] to finish one task before moving on to the next task on an endless list.”
While the line between exploitation and facilitation can be a fine one, there are undoubtedly many situations in which the noble desire to provide for our children is being morphed into the insatiable desire to give them everything and remove all discomfort. As all of us were kids at one point (thus, know the feeling of being left out) and few desire to be uncomfortable, it’s understandable that any product or idea that taps into this deeply-ingrained ethos would be hard to resist. Who doesn’t want our kids to have the fullest, safest, most fun and engaging lives ever? Who wants their kids to fail?
The distinct problem is that in our desire to give and be all, we as caregivers are facilitating fragility for our kids at epic levels (and parental burnout is not far behind); instead of building capacity and resiliency, I daresay that we are building uncertainty and frailty. This isn’t just a mom problem, it’s a dad, and grandparent, and teacher, and coach, and employer, and a community leader problem. We’re all part of this predicament, even when it (regularly) comes out of good, loving intent, which means we need to all be part of the solution. The reality is that as our kids enter young adulthood and have families of their own, there are few things more important than developing a sense of grit, flexibility, determination, resiliency, and reliability, upon which the structure of our workforce and the stability of our families are founded upon. The best way to love our kids is to show and model what it means to embrace the best of what life has to offer, and not live in a constant state of worry and uncertainty.
Otherwise, that which is so good may devolve into that which is certainly not better.
Part 3: Considerations for Reclaiming the Heart of Parenting
For a complicated issue like this, there are no easy solutions, but there are daily opportunities to recalibrate parenting in a way that is both healthy for the parents and most effective for the youth. For starters, it’s important to remember that while most youth won’t go on to be a star athlete or the globally recognized entertainer, all will go on to be faced with the promises and challenges of adulthood. Which means, that one of the most important roles we have as parents is to provide an approach that recognizes youth is meant to be a time of great development—-physically, psychological, socially, and spiritually—-as there is no magic portal at the age of 18 that transforms our kids into healthy, productive, harmonious adults.
With this basic understanding comes the importance of asking ourselves (as parents) a few basic questions on a daily basis about the decisions we make for them:
- Does this situation involve an important area of growth, and if so, what’s the best way I can support this (even if it involves allowing for a certain degree of discomfort)?
- Is this a privilege or a need (for my kid), and if the former, am I clearly conveying this to my child when it is provided?
- Is my child’s demand or request reasonable, and if not, am I making it clear that just because he or she wants it, this doesn’t mean I should provide it?
- Do I regularly expect that my child contribute to the well-being and maintenance of our home, and that this is what it means to be part of a family?
- Are decisions I make to comfort and accommodate for my child based on what is ultimately good for them, or more so on wanting them to be happy, reduce my guilt, and/or stay current with the trends?
- Do I expect that my child communicates effectively (in line with their development) about needs and desires, or do I repeatedly act in anticipation to provide for them, thus creating an environment where they learn to expect this?
Ultimately, these and many other related questions that could be posed are founded on one basic, but often forgotten principle: When it comes to raising children, there is nothing more important than providing for their physical, psychological, social, and spiritual health. By providing, it’s important to point out that sometimes this actually means doing nothing as a parent, and making sure that our children act as they reasonably can.
It’s also important that parents are acutely aware of when trends/fads, no matter how widespread, are contradicting what is healthy for their children. A prime example of this is in regards to the proliferation of mobile devices and social media among youth, including very young children. Although certain benefits can exist, research evidence has clearly indicated that the risks outweigh the benefits, yet many, many parents acknowledge feeling pressure to provide this technology for their children in ways that keep up with the trends, not necessarily help them remain as safe and healthy as possible.
In these situations, it is paramount that parents not only recognize the true threats that exist, but also seek to continually gain further information about potential negative impact, communicate regularly with their children about this, set limits/boundaries that are most focused on what’s best (not trendy), and seek solidarity with other parents and professionals who also desire to make the healthiest decisions for their youth.
Children will undoubtedly push back, and at times even revolt, against decisions that are counterculture even when made for the best of intentions. However, when three key elements are present as bulleted here, these difficult situations usually result in positive outcomes.
- Parents repeatedly engage youth in a compassionate, direct manner about these topics, not a harsh, authoritarian one.
- Parents demonstrate and support how their kids’ key goals and aspirations (e.g., having good friends and staying connected to them) can still be met without keeping up with the trends, such as having a personal mobile device.
- Parents strive to model a healthy, engaged, balanced lifestyle themselves, especially in areas where the focus is with their kids.
Ultimately, children who clearly recognize that their parents are coming from a foremost place of love, reason, and understanding, and who convey this in an authoritative (not authoritarian) manner, are increasingly able and empowered to make similar decisions on their own, even if it draws the scrutiny or teasing of others. In essence, parents operating in this manner provide an “internal alibi” for their kids (both during youth and adulthood) to not only adopt this approach in their own lives, but to see the joy and inherent possibilities that come with it.
For all these reasons, it’s important that parents do not seek to regular “smooth over” or “helicopter in” when youth are engaged in a situation that, developmental level considered, could offer a learning opportunity. In the absence of any serious safety or destructive concerns, situations regularly exist in family life where youth are presented with opportunities that can actually encourage development if parents utilize a coaching approach (or even a wait & see approach), not a director or rescuer approach. As a parent, it’s easy to want to jump in and help our children avoid discomfort or mistakes when it comes to the social-emotional world, but too often when this happens, it results in a missed opportunity for maturation.
Similarly, allowing our kids to be disappointed or upset, even if it isn’t pleasant for anyone, is a tremendously important part of facilitating an understanding that negative consequences do occur at times, even when nothing was done wrong, and that we can effectively cope with this and move forward in a positive way. Too often, modern parents have been pressured to believe that kids are emotionally, socially, and physically fragile, and thus any disappointment or discomfort will ultimately cascade into deeper, negative outcomes. But again, when parents model a resilient response to disappointing, even unfair circumstances, and reinforce that kids can do the same, children are empowered to recognize that while we are all vulnerable people, we are not fragile ones. Rather, disappointments can often lead to new realizations and new opportunities, previously unseen, that might even be better than what is desired. A simple example of this is when parents demonstrate to their kids about how foregoing certain immediate pleasures/desires (e.g., fasting from food, getting by with older cars, managing with imperfect devices at home) can often open up even more meaningful, stable circumstances in the short and long-term.
In the end, parenting is nothing if it’s not challenging. Stress is inherent, failure is inevitable, uncertainty is unavoidable. But all of these areas can improve if we as parents continually seek to center ourselves around the most important aspiration of all—forming the physical, social, psychological, and spiritual health of our children—so that they can take this forth into adulthood. When this is our gold star rather than creating convenience, comfort, and connection for our children—which are certainly not bad things to provide at times—then the actions we take and purpose that underlies it will become that much more self-evident. And even if we struggle with these decisions, feeling guilty that our kids don’t have all that other kids do, or have to work harder at times (for good reasons), we can find solace that each day we take this approach, we are helping them build capacity that they will not only need for the future, but which will provide for better outcomes for individuals, families, and communities.
The last thing we want is for our kids once they reach adulthood is to not have the confidence, tools, and curiosity to approach the world in a positive, sound manner. As many in this younger generation are “struggling to launch” into this next phase of their lives, we want our offspring to take a sound approach into adulthood, understanding that the inevitables of life—-change, challenge, and chore—-will come, but be excited by the opportunities that come through this, and beyond it, too. It’s not just for them that we want this, it’s for our world that we need this. Otherwise, all the privileges of a modern era will fail to materialize into the promise that generations of progress should bring, most especially that we are truly healthier, happier, more harmonious people.
To be part of a global movement to counteract these negative trends, see the following:
https://www.anxiousgeneration.com
For more resources in building resiliency with kids, see the following link:
