For what seems like the tenth time tonight, I can hear Kate laughing and being goofy in the front room, clearly not on a straight line to brush her teeth. Although the process of getting to bed started about 15 minutes ago, the line to eventual sleep looks more circuitous than a trip through the local corn maze the previous fall. Interspersed with shenanigans highlighted by bursts of laughter and then sudden quietness, I can find myself getting annoyed that what our five year-old is supposed to be doing is nothing like what is actually happening.
Truth be told, it’s been a long day and I am most interested in some quiet time spent reading a book full of information that will likely not inform how I handle this current situation. While I recognize that there are opportunities for me to take a more active role in this bedtime process, I also sense that a large part of my annoyance isn’t just the inanity going on in the front room, but also my inability (or willingness) to see which of the better parts of annoying I am facing.
Before you question my sanity regarding suggesting that any part of annoying is better (or even good), let me clarify what I mean by better, and why coming to understand the three classifications as it pertains to our annoyance can really be an asset for the annoyed (and the annoyer).
The first categorization of better when it comes to annoying, which especially pertains to the example above, involves our human experience of being annoyed by other people when they aren’t able to do things better than they are. Or if they are able to, it’s that the current situation and their current abilities make it much less likely that it can or will occur. In the example above, part (not all) of what I am dealing with is the fact that a 5-year-old kid has a long way to go before her attentional, organizational, and follow-through skills are developed on a much more independent level. While this is certainly something that is important for her to be developing, it is to be expected that her focus is much more likely to be associated with opportunities for play, enjoyment, and spontaneity. And so, what is clear is that a good degree of my annoyance with her results from a mismatch of my focus and her abilities.
In situations like this, there are two opportunities to reduce my annoyance. One is to simply recognize what is driving the annoyance, and how different this situation (see below) might be if the same issue involved my 18-year-old children. While almost all functioning falls on a spectrum of age and abilities (hence certain 5-year-olds actually focus better than some 18-year-olds), the reality is that in being around young kids, annoyance is inevitable if we don’t truly recognize the gap between us and them. Which naturally leads to the second method of reducing my annoyance, which (unfortunately given my focus) is that I need to harness the time and effort to help guide and structure her in a more productive way. It’s important to note that this principle doesn’t just apply to kids, but rather all people in general. We all have strengths and weaknesses, and if we simply get annoyed at someone for not doing something that doesn’t come easily to them, but don’t provide supportive guidance/resources, we are not only missing the opportunity to reduce our annoyance, we are also missing the opportunity to help them.
The second categorization (or more accurately, spot on the continuum) of annoyance is when people could do better, but they appear to have different motives or ideas. Of course, we are all guilty of this, and while it can be hard at times to separate ability from motivation (as both are intricately intertwined), there are many situations in our lives in which we simply don’t do what we could.
It might be getting really annoyed by a “lazy” coworker or family members that leave clothes strewn throughout the house. It might be being annoyed by someone swerving on the roadway while texting or a person self-checking at the grocery store who is having a casual conversation instead of just getting through the line. There are an infinite number of examples but safe to say that when we feel that others could be acting in a better way (e.g., more conscientious, responsible, empathetic, hard-working….you add whatever adjective you want), then annoyance can be just the start of a long trail of emotions that leave us in a bad place.
Dealing with this type of annoyance is particularly tricky because it’s most likely connected to exactly who we are, or at least what we value most. Illustrated in another way, if we value being dependable and hard-working, then we will most likely be annoyed by those that we feel aren’t embodying this. If we value being a clear, effective communicator, then it’s probably going to bug us a lot when someone just mumbles a few words and goes about their day. Again, the examples are infinite, but we as humans struggle not to be bothered when others aren’t conforming to standards, especially in a way that inconveniences us.
To address this in an optimal way, there are really two keys, neither of which are going to be popular. The first is direct communication about the issue at hand, ideally in a way that is supportive and collaborative, not punitive and critical. It’s often an awkward conversation that has no guarantees of a positive outcome but as the alternate may be to endure annoyance indefinitely, there is a reason to seriously find a way to have a conversation with an individual or group of people.
The second key is a perspective shift, which although less awkward, isn’t necessarily an easier route. This shift involves a somewhat deep dive into the ways that we, too, might be annoying to others and yet still haven’t gone about making changes that would be needed to alleviate others’ suffering. Of course, this requires both insight and humility but when we are able to acknowledge our own annoying tendencies, it certainly can make it easier to deal with others’.
The final categorization of annoyance might turn out to be the least understood and certainly the most embarrassing to acknowledge. It’s when we are annoyed by others when they actually can do better at the things we wish we could. Maybe it’s being a better golfer, or someone who is more disciplined in their diet/exercise. Or maybe it’s, as the new slang term “a try-hard” implies, a person who seems consistently driven and motivated, or even someone who takes the time to do nice things for others or communicates clearly and honestly.
The source of this annoyance is envy, although rarely does someone acknowledge feeling jealous. Rather, people routinely attribute a particular characteristic as being annoying, or just the person in general. I have noticed this frequently with star athletes, or others who are perceived to be at the pinnacle of their profession or even certain areas of personhood. Hence again the slang phrase “you’re just a hater” thrown back at those who have disdain for the successful.
Unlike the second category (and even the first, to some extent), where it is relatively easy to acknowledge the source of annoyance, this one really requires an honest introspection to shift our feelings. When someone does well at something, we really have a few basic choices. We can either sustain envy (and often couch it as something else). We can discard it as being irrelevant in our own lives, and maybe irrelevant in general. Or, we can be curious and even inspired about how this individual or group of people are able to perform in such a way that we can’t.
It’s the latter that allows us to channel our initial bothersome reaction into a more formative course. Research has indicated that when people are open to understanding the underlying sources of their envy, they can use this insight to better set goals/action steps which can ultimately be beneficial to a person in pursuing what they desire most in life. But when we simply make excuses about another person that masks our envy, there is little chance we will learn from it.
Ultimately, understanding the sources of our annoyance helps us better recognize ways to reduce or eliminate it. It also provides avenues of action and communication that can help the annoying person potentially improve, too, if this can or should occur. Of course, there’s always the option to just keep being annoyed as we always have. But as life is short, it seems we all can pursue a better course.
