Over two decades of cycling in all temperatures, weather (except ice/snow), and light conditions, while more than twice circumnavigating the globe (often 6 miles at a time), has taught me a lot of important lessons about not just being on the road, but about life.
But none has been more important than this one. In life, as on the road, we have three options, each overlapping to some degree, but ultimately distinct in their own way. We can be emotional, we can be justified, or we can be effective. While it’s great when we can make decisions that accomplish all three purposes, the reality is that often, actions that satisfy one intent will not satisfy another.
As a cyclist, there have been numerous situations over the years in which drivers have disobeyed a traffic law, or even pulled out when I had the right of way. While this no doubt can (and has) evoked a certain degree of emotion (or adrenaline) that directs me to an immediate response, secondary reactions such as anger or frustration have little or nothing to do with keeping me safe. Similarly, when a motorist pulls out or turns left when I have the right of way, I’m justified (by existing traffic laws) to continue on my course. Still, doing so puts me in harm’s way.
Ultimately, as a cyclist, there’s only one thing that matters when it comes to safety: what’s most effective. As I often tell others, I’m responsible for all the motorists around me, distracted or otherwise. Being effective in mitigating the risks of the roadway is my only option.
While it’s easy to understand this from a cycling perspective, the problem with much of the rest of our lives is that we see it a different way. Repeatedly, we choose emotional or justified actions over what’s effective as if it’s the highest pursuit. We are frustrated with our kids, but instead of looking at more strategic ways of improving the situation, we just keep “losing our cool.” We feel justified to be annoyed by our coworkers’ incompetencies but instead of finding collaborative ways to improve the situation, we just keep complaining (or gossiping) about them. We bemoan about inequitable situations all around us, but do little to actually work with others on effective solutions.
And while it’s easy to rationalize that being effective feels much harder than holding to our emotional, justified reactions, I must admit that I’ve reached a point in my life in which I’m making a clear, absolute choice.
It’s time to really embrace what CS Lewis once said years ago when asked to sum up the Christian experience in a single line: “Do your present duty, bear your present pain, and enjoy your present pleasure, and let the emotions and experiences look after themselves.”
What might seem odd coming from a psychologist, the clear message that he was sending to the world is that we either spend our time controlling what we can, or we spend our time brooding over and trying to control what we can’t.
To be clear, I’m not saying we ignore our emotions, but rather find more effective ways to understand, regulate, and channel them. I’m not saying we shouldn’t defend ways that our world operates in a reasonable, equitable manner, but rather find more effective ways to enhance this for the basic needs that we all have.
What I am saying is that I’m tired of wasting time on doing things that aren’t effective in reducing unnecessary suffering, creating innovative solutions, increasing unity, and pursuing greater meaning and joy. As I approach a half century of life, and have watched my parents get older and their parents pass on, I am struck by an obvious reality. When I’m gone from this world, beyond any worldly possessions of mine that might remain, I will leave behind two things.
The first are memories and recordings of me and the experiences I’ve been a part of with all who have known me in various ways. Over time, just like many of my kin buried over the past five generations in St. Joe Cemetery whose gravestones I’ve visited, these memories will fade to the degree at which only my name and years of life will remain, reducing my eventful life to just a few data points.
But there’s a second legacy that will actually live on long after the memories fade. It’s the legacy of how we’ve went about our daily lives—of how we communicated with others, how we handled daily stressors or monumental challenges, how we demonstrated our love (or didn’t) or dealt with our anxiety, or what habits we created or values we pursued. There are countless ways in which what we do, often as a product of what we prioritize and value, not only finds its way into the methods and means of generations of people that share our time together, but also generations of people that we’ll never meet. As beautifully expressed at the end of the Romero Prayer, “we are workers, not master builders; ministers, not messiahs. We are prophets of a future not our own.”
Which brings me back to this present moment, and the opportunity that I have each minute of my day. In making my pledge, it’s not that I don’t like feeling good, or acting in ways that are justified. Sometimes just embracing my emotional state or resting on what seems fair or habitual is the way that I’ll go. But it’s that in considering where I’m truly called to focus my life, both for opportunities that are now, and for a legacy that is generations away, I’ve no doubt that while the emotions and experiences will be as they will be, for me and my house, our choice is to pursue where the truth is. Mistakes will be made for sure and sometimes it will be tough and exhausting, but it is here where we desire to be.
If I’m honest, it’s not just because it seems like the best or right thing to do, or because I believe our world, in the midst of all the incessant distractions and division, is longing for an effective course. It’s also because it seems like the most adventurous pursuit I can find and doing something well, even when it’s hard and challenging, feels oh so good. The last thing I want to do is waste my time wallowing in my own emotional, justifiable space all the while a reasonable, joyful, unified solution goes unturned. While it might be human nature to do this, it honestly doesn’t sound like a lot of fun.
Rather, I imagine a family, a community, a world where people of countless experiences, cultures, and backgrounds all, taking as John Lennon once crooned, “live as one”. Not one mind or perspective, as we are all going to disagree at times, but rather as one pursuit. Just imagine, what if our world shifted the overarching focus from what’s emotional or justified to what’s effective, in increasing health, harmony, beauty, meaning, and joy. It’s easy to be jaded and think this is just another misguided, pollyannish pursuit. But as certain communities across the world have shown various gains in these areas, and many individuals have forged promising pathways, the reality is that opportunities are as real as they are hopeful.
But only if our primary intent is to pursue what’s effective, and not just what’s emotional, justified, or just the way we’ve always done it. The more that we embrace this pledge, the more we recognize the inherent value of this pursuit, the more attractive this becomes for all of us and the more we find ourselves in world where possibility and promise are alive all around us. As Harry Truman once said, “It is amazing what you can accomplish if you do not care who gets the credit.”
We’re all in the stadium of life. How beautiful it is when the voices rain down in unison, in shared spirit where we are the world that we can be.
